"how beautiful the tender eyes that chose to forgive and never despise..."-twila paris, how beautiful
this is an incredibly powerful and moving song, combining scriptural lyrics with beautifully flowing music. i have the privilege of singing it this weekend for a friend's wedding.
 this line grabbed my attention.
"how beautiful the tender eyes that chose to forgive and NEVER despise."
Jesus chose to look on His oppressors, and on all human beings, with forgiveness, rather than despising them for all the pain, suffering and heartbreak they caused Him.
i need to take a leaf out of Jesus' book here.
it is so easy to despise those i love, to hold back forgiveness and hold onto anger, offended by thoughtless, outrageously selfish actions and attitudes that others have towards me, without stopping to think that my response is just as selfish as their actions.
 sigh.
time to begin again.
tonight i'm going to make a list of things i love about a person who i'm having a hard time forgiving, so i can focus on those instead of the ways this person has hurt me.
ten thousand reasons for my heart to sing, "praise the Lord, oh my soul, worship His holy name. sing like never before, oh my soul, worship His holy name."
reasons to praise-
He gives me music
i get to sing at a wedding
He used human beings to write an incredible song!
He gave me a voice that i love to share with others
He gave me a friend who is getting married :D
He revealed and reveals every day His pure and precious love and how I need to change to be more like Him
He chose to forgive and never despise
by His grace I can forgive and let go of resentment and anger
all things are possible to those who believe!

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning It's time to sing Your song again Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me Let me be singing when the evening comes- matt redman, 10,000 Reasons 
God has been illuminating some things in my life, or to put it more bluntly, giving me a kick in the pants about a lot of things. 
This year has hands down been the most difficult year of my life spiritually, and most of it has been my fault. (Don't you hate it when you have to admit something is your fault? Sigh.) Despite that, God has extravagantly showered blessings on me, from a new job with twice the hours and three times the pay with coworkers I enjoy spending time with, to friends! finally! so worth the wait!, to taking off in my photography, to blossoming relationships with the teenagers in my life, to a deeper and more meaningful relationship with my husband, to financial, physical and mental provision to start college, to absolutely LOVING and excelling in my classes. Each time I stumble and fall, He picks me up and sets me on the right path again. I have run up against brick walls, banging my head and leaving myself with a headache and scars. I have shook my fist and screamed and cried at God and told Him I didn't like His plan and that I wanted to make my own. I have broken His heart with my irreverance, and yet He still takes me back, every time, and blesses me extravagantly beyond belief or reason when I fully surrender to Him and obey Him.
One thing I have struggled with and certainly broken God's heart with throughout my life is my self-image. At twenty-three years old, I still struggle to see myself as my Creator sees me, and I have so little grace for my shortfallings. He is slowly but surely, with my husband's help, teaching me to see myself as God's precious and beautiful creation who is but a vessel of God's love and grace to the world, and that whatever shortfallings I have, He is stronger and He can use even my weaknesses for His glory in the most unbelievable ways. I am learning to let go of what doesn't matter in the grand scheme of eternity. For example: It's okay to have a dirty floor sometimes, or not be able to keep up with the dog fur that is always.everywhere.on everything. no matter how much I clean! It's okay that I dyed my hair too dark and it's not as pretty as my natural color. (I mean God forbid I not look perfect at all times!) It's okay to not cook a meal every evening, and to have random homecooked meals a few times a week. It's okay that my car is a traveling closet/desk/emergency kit that isn't usually clean. 
 God is teaching me to relax, slow down and laugh at adversities (well, at least the small ones). Over the past two and a half months, I have had three flat tires within the span of three weeks, a starter that went out, a shock that went out, resulting in a loud kerthunkathunka thudthud rattlerattle everywhere I drove, a friend's car that died while our car was dead and she was out of town!,  a toilet tank that cracked down the middle, drains that have clogged about once a month, and  a washer with very unique stopping and starting problems. At one time, all of these small problems would have caused a meltdown, but now, by God's grace, I laugh. My father-in-law says often that life is either a comedy or tragedy, depending on how you look at it. This has become my mantra for the ridiculous and inconvenient situations that often arise in life. I have to laugh, and I love that God gives me situations to laugh. I mean, our toilet tank cracked at about midnight, BANG (it was pretty loud),and then we heard a lot of trickling as the water started running out! Also, all of these situations give me an opportunity to praise God for having every expense covered, no debt, and finally, by God's grace alone, a small nest egg in the bank! God is so good!
I hope these ramblings have been of an encouragement to you in whatever is happening in your life. God is good! God is real! God will come through no matter what you are facing right now. I encourage you to seek His face, surrender your will, and don't run into brick walls like I have! They usually don't budge unless God wants them to. :D
 Blessings and love,
Abby

no reason for this picture. this is winchester.

Let my heart be broken....

Have you ever heard someone say, "Be careful when you pray for patience. God is going to give you occasions for patience like never before"?Something similar has happened in my life over the past few weeks. I began praying for an awareness of others' eternal destiny, and opportunity to build relationships with others and share Christ's gospel of saving grace with them. God brought to my attention a  deep and desperate need to care for the souls of others, to be awake, alive and painfully aware of the souls of others, the undeniable fact that  the soul of each person in my life is eternal and will spend eternity either in heaven or in hell. At times I don't like this fact, and I can understand why many choose to not believe in an afterlife at all, because believing in one means there must be some sort of choice or action taken here on earth to ensure a good afterlife. As a believer in Jesus Christ, I believe that all humans have sinned (Romans 6:23) and thus cannot measure up to God's standard of perfection He requires for a human to spend eternity with Him in His heaven (Romans 6:23, Psalm 5:4). I believe that God requires death as payment for sin (Romans 3:23). I believe that Jesus Christ was God in human form who came to earth, lived a sinlessly perfect life and died a painful, sacrificial death on a cross to pay for the sins of all who would trust in Him alone for salvation to get to heaven (John 3:16, Titus 3:5). I believe that salvation or eternal life in heaven is a gift and that all one must do to receive it is trust in Christ's death as full payment for one's sins (Acts 16:31, Romans 3:23).
          However, I understand that many people do not believe in God.  Many do not believe the Bible is a historically proven and trustworthy Book. Many believe that God does not exist and that the Bible is full of fairy tales, and trying to take an objective viewpoint, I don't blame them. This world is filled with grief, anguish and suffering, and if I personally hadn't spent years of my life learning about the historical and archeological proofs for the Bible and seeing God at work firsthand in my life and others' lives, I would probably be on the same page as those skeptics. 
      Making this one  huge step more personal, God has brought one particular person into my life for whom my heart breaks and cries out to God. God has placed me in a job that is full of open doors, with coworkers of all ages, walks of life and religious beliefs. One new co-worker just started this weekend, and we had some great talks on  his first day, discussing society, our current public education system, the pros and cons of college, and our future plans. He is a very passionate person and I caught a little extra spark and fire for my current life situation and future plans just from our short discussions. Last night I found out that he doesn't believe in God, thinks that God is evil if He does exist, and believes there is no afterlife but rather a cessation of existence. I can usually distract myself with books, movies, exercise, art, or something else when I am upset, but last night nothing distracted me. I lay awake praying and woke up this morning praying for him. I know this is God's way of showing me how unbelievably selfish I have been to keep His gospel to myself, but I didn't know it would be this difficult. I praise God for the opportunity to make my faith more real and really delve into apologetics again as I haven't since bible school. There have been some very strange situations in my local Christian community since I have moved here, and sometimes it feels ( note the word feels) like Christianity in this area is false, just something to do or be when the church doors are open. Of course I know this isn't true, but I believe God is really showing me this in a personal way right now. He is demonstrating that He is very real, and that I need to delve deeper than I've been in years, to study, present truth, and agonize of the souls of those I love. 
God, thank you for this opportunity. Make me strong enough for this task. Let my heart be broken for the things which break Thine heart.

 

The Hurt and the Healer

Okay. 

My posts have been about things that either are weighing heavily on my heart or are hard for me to accept. I mean, I usually pretend I'm at peace with whatever I'm writing about, but usually I am writing because I am waiting for the peace, acceptance, and wisdom.

    Time for a reset and refreshing break from the struggle. A few BIG things have been simply beautiful over the past few weeks.

  (1) Photography Class

         I've really started enjoying photography over the past few years, and finally enrolled in a class. I'm going to be honest, my teacher has really praised me the past few weeks, and it is a good feeling. I keep in mind in every area I possess skill that there are many people better than me. I look up to a  few of my friends as photographers and don't know if I will ever be as good as them, or be professional, but I'm grateful God allows me to see beauty in places that others pass by. I love that He has given me an eye that notices shadows of tiny weeds on the sidewalk, rays of light, shards of glass, and hair blowing in the wind. Sometimes it can be hard to turn off my photographic eye and simply appreciate a moment without wanting to capture it! Anyway, having someone who is a professional praise my work has been very affirming. He hasn't been all praise, and has recommended edits, different viewpoints, etc, but having generally low confidence, the experience so far has been great for me. Why not be confident and grateful for whatever skill I do have, and leave the rest in God's hands? I love that He has allowed me to be good at photography and singing and not math or something boring like that. Haha. :D God knows what He is doing, and I can't wait to see how the semester goes!

 (2) English Composition 121

        The other class I am taking is an English composition class. My mother did an outstanding job teaching me most everything in grade school and high school, and writing was no exception. I learned what we are going over in class in high school, but the review is excellent. It is great to start thinking like a writer again, viewing each experience or conversation throughout the day as potential writing material, observing others and noticing details, and sharpening the mind to paper process again. Looking back at papers I wrote in high school and college, I was afraid that perhaps I had just taken what original authors had said and rephrased it, which is plagiarism, and that I never was that great of a writer. Good news! The first essay we are working on is a personal essay, in which I am writing about an experience I learned a lesson from. My rough draft was due yesterday, and I am pleased to report that even though I had no original author to paraphrase from, the paper flowed very nicely. I'm going to revise it before the final draft is due on Monday, and am looking forward to the future essays which will be more research and argument oriented. It is so fulfilling to be able to utilize the English language to a greater potential than most people do in daily life. (Side note: I could take a lot more time and effort to write this blog and make it as good as an English paper. Sorry, not happening. I don't have that kind of time right now! :) )

(3) Guidance, Direction, and Peace

        I've been a big mess the past several months. I've been upset with God, disappointed, angry, bitter, hurt and depressed. Very few people are aware of this or would ever guess it, but praise be to God for bringing me out of this difficult time. There were many contributing factors which are now being worked on or have been resolved. One which I was very deeply struggling with was my place in life. I understood mentally that God would use me anywhere in any capacity I was working/ministering/etc, but I was frustrated. God blessed me with a capable mind and various talents, and here I am waitressing for a living in the middle of nowhere. I was so angry at God and frankly did not like His plan. He has brought me peace and given me hope that He is using me right here, right now in the lives of others, and that He has me in just the right place.

         I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I am thinking long and hard about pursuing a degree. It won't be easy financially or time wise, but being back in school has been a great experience and I think I MIGHT be up to doing it full time. Right now I am thinking about counseling- maybe majoring in counseling and minoring in nutrition so I could be a counselor and/or nutritionist. I love helping people eat and live healthily! This is something I have wanted to do off and on since I was seventeen. I would love to help others for my profession.

        The danger in sharing this with the world is that the world will share its opinions right back to me. Secular psychology is mumbo jumbo, you don't need a degree, bla bla bla. Well, my reply is that I seek to please God with my life and not man. If you don't like it, it is not your life. I will do what is right for myself and my husband (him before me!) as we stand before our Creator. I have not made a decision and will not until I am very sure it is the right thing to do. Also, "secular" counseling helped me out of the greatest hardships of my life, and helped me overcome an addiction I had been battling for over five years, so I think it definitely has its place. I am certainly open to biblical counseling as well but I would want it to be a degree I could use anywhere and actually make a living with. Hope I haven't offended anyone, but the voices of others have become deafening over the past year, and at this point I can ONLY listen to God and those closest to me who I truly trust.

 (4) Friendships

       This year has been deeply painful for friendships. I have tried to be strong and pretend that rejection has not hurt me, but have realized recently that it has. I don't need to pretend to be strong. Where my strength ends, God's goes on endlessly. He has blessed me with the sweetest and strongest friends here that I could have never dreamed of having a year ago.   

      In early 2012, Jeremiah and I had a dinner party and one of the guests was a lovely young lady named Nicole. She and I chatted a bit at the party, and ended up meeting for coffee not long after. That was the beginning of a weekly routine that since has rarely been broken . This woman has the biggest smile, softest blue green eyes, and kindest heart. She is beautiful on the outside, but even more stunning on the inside as the fragrant flower that is her heart opens up in bloom. I can't express how much her positivity, love for the Lord and others, and constancy means to me, but it is an incredible gift. Jesus brought her into my life as a balm for the aching, stinging pain where others had hurt me, and she has done much to heal my soul. 

       Around the same time, a petite red headed girl/woman (she is both) walked over to me at church and asked if I wanted to get coffee sometime. (See a theme here? I live for coffee and girl time!) We had multiple two or three hour long discussions before I figured out she had cancer. Go figure... they never announced it at church-- they just said she was sick. Anyway, she started serious chemotherapy right after we began our friendship. This was her second time dealing with cancer, so she was quite the trooper, but I know that God brought me into her life at the precise time for His purposes. He also used her to remind me that no matter what I was going through, she was always experiencing something worse, and I could pray for her and try to minister to her instead of wallowing in self pity. She is cancer free now, although still having health problems, and I am so grateful for this girl. We really have little in common as far as life paths, except not knowing where our lives will go next,  but God has forged a great friendship. Whether we are just enjoying coffee, food or shopping or hashing out the deep and difficult things in our lives, we always benefit from our time together. God is so good to have brought feisty, strong willed, determined Sadie into my life.  

    This post is reaching epic length, so I will stop for now. I'm attempting to write more and write about small or big positive things! Blessings to all who read.

Highest Highs and Lowest Lows

     As believers in Jesus Christ and as human beings, we love mountaintop experiences. It feels good to be on top of the world, to experience victory, success, joy and satisfaction. However, the highest highs must be followed by the lowest lows, the  peaks that veer downhill at an alarming angle, or slowly taper out to a plateau. Most of our lives are lived either climbing the mountains or going down the other side.

    Why am I writing about this? You guessed it. My life seems like an endless plateau right now, and it is easy to look back and question why things can't come as easily as they did in earlier years. Sure, I had my struggles in high school and college, some very serious, but life was exciting. Everything was fresh, new, invigorating, just waiting to be discovered. Ministries were incredibly fruitful, and relationships were deep and meaningful. Now I fight apathy, fight to not numb the pain I feel when I give repeatedly for months or years to others, investing in their lives, hearts, souls and minds and receive nothing in return. Little fruit, appreciation or even acknowledgment of any effort. Just getting back up the next morning to share Jesus Christ's love and truth again, to serve again, to put my selfish desires aside again. This is real life.

   Oh, God's blessings are here, and  they are abundant, never ending, a constant river of mercy and love washing over me. I have to search harder to find them, discipline myself to detail and recognize His gifts in a journal, to turn off the radio and pray aloud, acknowledging His presence. He is so good.

    Do I want change? Yes. Do I long for answers to the many questions inside about my future? Desperately. Do I want to care less about what others think and say and listen only to my Savior? Yes. It is a process.  There was a time I thought I was a good Christian, but no longer do I fool myself. Only by His grace and goodness am I anything worthwhile.

    Lord Jesus, on the mountain's tops or in the deepest valley, be glorified and make Your will known and accomplished in my life.

Rich

 ^{I am learning to trust God with money.
 About time, right?
 As  a high school and college student, I had no pressing financial obligations.
 I paid my way through Frontier School of the Bible by babysitting and nannying for wealthy neighbors in Charlotte.
 I had a few thousand in savings. I had no bills to pay.
Then Jeremiah and I got married. Hello, reality!
Money has been one of the most difficult components of our marriage, and as we grew up highly differing socio-economic areas and homes, we have worked through many differences.
God's grace is opening my heart and mind to trust Him, to do the best I can with what I am given, and to rejoice in the abundant plenty He has poured into my (our) life.
The past several months have been a test, and I am learning that no matter what we plan, emergencies arise and once again, our emergency fund is depleted. To be honest, it's depressing at times.
However, God has a few words to say on this subject.
 
1 Timothy 6:17-19}
 Instruct those who are rich in this present world not to be conceited or to fix their hope on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly supplies us with all things to enjoy.  Instruct them to do good, to be 
rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share,  storing up for themselves the treasure of a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is life indeed.


    These words breathe joy, peace and hope into my life. Yes, we are and will continue to be the best stewards possible of what God has given us. We are saving for a house, and that means we have to cut back on frivilous spending , or cut it out almost altogether. However, on the hard days, when disappointment and frustration threaten to overshadow the grace thread holding us together, these verses are a beacon of God's beautiful truth. 
      Are we rich in Him? Yes. Are we incredibly wealthy compared to a huge percentage of the world? Yes. Do we have pleasant food to eat, palatable water to drink, shelter to protect us from the elements, and our own transportation? Yes. Can we fix our hope fully on and in Him? Yes.
     These verses shout into my brain, I AM RICH! MY LIFE OVERFLOWS WITH BLESSING AND PLENTY! HE GIVES ME GOOD WORKS TO DO FOR HIM AND OTHERS!
    Would you like to know my riches?
    Some of them have names, too many to list here.
   My riches are laughing, joyful children, riding to church with us, infecting my sometimes too adult spirit with their blind love of life. They don't care that they live in a motel, have their own social worker, and are different from the other kids at school. These kids love life. Fully, unabashedly, against all odds. Past abuse isn't stopping them. Living in a one parent household isn't stopping them. Being around adults who get drunk too much isn't stopping them. They are running into the gushing fire hose of life and embracing every happy moment they can, making every moment possible a joyful one. And guess what? These kids are my riches. My life is so full of the joy that they bring that I don't think of my time with them as service, even though many pat me on the back for it. They are children. They need love. They need a big sister and mother figure, and I am one. Period. I can't imagine my life without them, and I don't want to.
   My life is rich in relationships, from  a pregnant dog who is eating for six (or so we imagine), to my ever-loving and patient husband who I simply CANNOT thank God enough for, to parents who are extremely involved in my life from 1500 miles away, to in-laws who love me as their own. God has brought me beautiful girlfriends, each with their own story of grace and love to shine into others' lives.
   Yes, sometimes it is hard to pay the bills. It is hard to make it through the month. But how can I begrudge God of that when He has richly given me all I need to live and love life, including the hard times, and live each moment for Him? I simply cannot.
  Thanks be to God for His indescribable gifts!

Adoption/fostering

           Why aren't you having kids yet?

            When are you going to have a baby?

            Do you want a baby?

    These questions have been asked quite often over the last few months. I usually don't mind them, but some people seem to have difficulty understanding that my husband and I would like to wait a while before having children. If I'm being quite honest, a baby is truly the last thing in the world I want right now. Yes, I understand that being fruitful, multiplying and filling the earth is God's design. I also understand that God has designed me as His daughter to be a mother, a nurturer and teacher of children, just as my own mother has been to me. There is no greater role for a woman and no higher aspiration that any woman could have. (And personally, I believe that all wives and mothers should earn six figures. That's what they deserve, anyway. :) 

   Here is the heart of the matter: there are thousands of children in the foster care system in America. About 9,000 children were in the Colorado foster care system a few years ago due to parental abuse or neglect.A significant number of these children are waiting for adoption. Many turn 18 without being adopted into a permanent, legal family. These young people are at much higher risk for homelessness and drug and alcohol abuse.

     These children have faces and names. Some of them have been screamed at, hit, burned with cigarettes and irons, molested, raped, neglected and manipulated. Some of them have raised themselves and their younger siblings. These children have experienced pain, heartbreak and suffering that most of us will never fully understand.

    Why don't I want children now? Because these children are waiting. These children have been through unspeakable horrors and need someone to love them. They need a father and a mother, especially ones who know Christ as their Savior and live for Him. They need stability, love, forgiveness, and healing. 

     Do I realize that foster care and adoption will be difficult? Yes. Each child has his or her own set of issues, baggage from the past, and scars from mental, emotional or physical abuse. Does this lessen the need that these children have? Should these difficulties and  future heartaches for my husband and I shrink our hearts and desire to love these children? Absolutely not.

     There are thousands of children ALREADY BORN who desperately need Jesus Christ and need parents. That is why I do not want to have a baby right now.

 ---To all of you who are pregnant or have children, I praise God for you and each of your children! God designed us to have children. I simply believe  that fostering, adopting AND having my own children from my body is what God wants for me--- and He could certainly change my heart and my husband's heart at any time. Blessings on you all.