Highest Highs and Lowest Lows

     As believers in Jesus Christ and as human beings, we love mountaintop experiences. It feels good to be on top of the world, to experience victory, success, joy and satisfaction. However, the highest highs must be followed by the lowest lows, the  peaks that veer downhill at an alarming angle, or slowly taper out to a plateau. Most of our lives are lived either climbing the mountains or going down the other side.

    Why am I writing about this? You guessed it. My life seems like an endless plateau right now, and it is easy to look back and question why things can't come as easily as they did in earlier years. Sure, I had my struggles in high school and college, some very serious, but life was exciting. Everything was fresh, new, invigorating, just waiting to be discovered. Ministries were incredibly fruitful, and relationships were deep and meaningful. Now I fight apathy, fight to not numb the pain I feel when I give repeatedly for months or years to others, investing in their lives, hearts, souls and minds and receive nothing in return. Little fruit, appreciation or even acknowledgment of any effort. Just getting back up the next morning to share Jesus Christ's love and truth again, to serve again, to put my selfish desires aside again. This is real life.

   Oh, God's blessings are here, and  they are abundant, never ending, a constant river of mercy and love washing over me. I have to search harder to find them, discipline myself to detail and recognize His gifts in a journal, to turn off the radio and pray aloud, acknowledging His presence. He is so good.

    Do I want change? Yes. Do I long for answers to the many questions inside about my future? Desperately. Do I want to care less about what others think and say and listen only to my Savior? Yes. It is a process.  There was a time I thought I was a good Christian, but no longer do I fool myself. Only by His grace and goodness am I anything worthwhile.

    Lord Jesus, on the mountain's tops or in the deepest valley, be glorified and make Your will known and accomplished in my life.

Rich

 ^{I am learning to trust God with money.
 About time, right?
 As  a high school and college student, I had no pressing financial obligations.
 I paid my way through Frontier School of the Bible by babysitting and nannying for wealthy neighbors in Charlotte.
 I had a few thousand in savings. I had no bills to pay.
Then Jeremiah and I got married. Hello, reality!
Money has been one of the most difficult components of our marriage, and as we grew up highly differing socio-economic areas and homes, we have worked through many differences.
God's grace is opening my heart and mind to trust Him, to do the best I can with what I am given, and to rejoice in the abundant plenty He has poured into my (our) life.
The past several months have been a test, and I am learning that no matter what we plan, emergencies arise and once again, our emergency fund is depleted. To be honest, it's depressing at times.
However, God has a few words to say on this subject.
 
1 Timothy 6:17-19}
 Instruct those who are rich in this present world not to be conceited or to fix their hope on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly supplies us with all things to enjoy.  Instruct them to do good, to be 
rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share,  storing up for themselves the treasure of a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is life indeed.


    These words breathe joy, peace and hope into my life. Yes, we are and will continue to be the best stewards possible of what God has given us. We are saving for a house, and that means we have to cut back on frivilous spending , or cut it out almost altogether. However, on the hard days, when disappointment and frustration threaten to overshadow the grace thread holding us together, these verses are a beacon of God's beautiful truth. 
      Are we rich in Him? Yes. Are we incredibly wealthy compared to a huge percentage of the world? Yes. Do we have pleasant food to eat, palatable water to drink, shelter to protect us from the elements, and our own transportation? Yes. Can we fix our hope fully on and in Him? Yes.
     These verses shout into my brain, I AM RICH! MY LIFE OVERFLOWS WITH BLESSING AND PLENTY! HE GIVES ME GOOD WORKS TO DO FOR HIM AND OTHERS!
    Would you like to know my riches?
    Some of them have names, too many to list here.
   My riches are laughing, joyful children, riding to church with us, infecting my sometimes too adult spirit with their blind love of life. They don't care that they live in a motel, have their own social worker, and are different from the other kids at school. These kids love life. Fully, unabashedly, against all odds. Past abuse isn't stopping them. Living in a one parent household isn't stopping them. Being around adults who get drunk too much isn't stopping them. They are running into the gushing fire hose of life and embracing every happy moment they can, making every moment possible a joyful one. And guess what? These kids are my riches. My life is so full of the joy that they bring that I don't think of my time with them as service, even though many pat me on the back for it. They are children. They need love. They need a big sister and mother figure, and I am one. Period. I can't imagine my life without them, and I don't want to.
   My life is rich in relationships, from  a pregnant dog who is eating for six (or so we imagine), to my ever-loving and patient husband who I simply CANNOT thank God enough for, to parents who are extremely involved in my life from 1500 miles away, to in-laws who love me as their own. God has brought me beautiful girlfriends, each with their own story of grace and love to shine into others' lives.
   Yes, sometimes it is hard to pay the bills. It is hard to make it through the month. But how can I begrudge God of that when He has richly given me all I need to live and love life, including the hard times, and live each moment for Him? I simply cannot.
  Thanks be to God for His indescribable gifts!

Adoption/fostering

           Why aren't you having kids yet?

            When are you going to have a baby?

            Do you want a baby?

    These questions have been asked quite often over the last few months. I usually don't mind them, but some people seem to have difficulty understanding that my husband and I would like to wait a while before having children. If I'm being quite honest, a baby is truly the last thing in the world I want right now. Yes, I understand that being fruitful, multiplying and filling the earth is God's design. I also understand that God has designed me as His daughter to be a mother, a nurturer and teacher of children, just as my own mother has been to me. There is no greater role for a woman and no higher aspiration that any woman could have. (And personally, I believe that all wives and mothers should earn six figures. That's what they deserve, anyway. :) 

   Here is the heart of the matter: there are thousands of children in the foster care system in America. About 9,000 children were in the Colorado foster care system a few years ago due to parental abuse or neglect.A significant number of these children are waiting for adoption. Many turn 18 without being adopted into a permanent, legal family. These young people are at much higher risk for homelessness and drug and alcohol abuse.

     These children have faces and names. Some of them have been screamed at, hit, burned with cigarettes and irons, molested, raped, neglected and manipulated. Some of them have raised themselves and their younger siblings. These children have experienced pain, heartbreak and suffering that most of us will never fully understand.

    Why don't I want children now? Because these children are waiting. These children have been through unspeakable horrors and need someone to love them. They need a father and a mother, especially ones who know Christ as their Savior and live for Him. They need stability, love, forgiveness, and healing. 

     Do I realize that foster care and adoption will be difficult? Yes. Each child has his or her own set of issues, baggage from the past, and scars from mental, emotional or physical abuse. Does this lessen the need that these children have? Should these difficulties and  future heartaches for my husband and I shrink our hearts and desire to love these children? Absolutely not.

     There are thousands of children ALREADY BORN who desperately need Jesus Christ and need parents. That is why I do not want to have a baby right now.

 ---To all of you who are pregnant or have children, I praise God for you and each of your children! God designed us to have children. I simply believe  that fostering, adopting AND having my own children from my body is what God wants for me--- and He could certainly change my heart and my husband's heart at any time. Blessings on you all.

Wait

        Wait. 

     The word holds several connotations. It can mean inactive, neglected, postponed or delayed. It can imply something that is readily available. 

     Psalm 27 speaks of waiting. The psalmist writes in verse 14, "Wait on the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage." The core meaning of wait in this verse is to bind. As two cords wound together are stronger than the two separate strands, so I as a frail, finite being am immeasurably strengthened by binding myself to God.

     This sort of waiting is clearly not sitting idle, wasting time until what I desire comes to pass. This waiting takes every ounce of my mental, emotional and physical blood, sweat and tears as I purposefully draw near to God and give each moment of my life to Him. This verse exhorts, perhaps even commands its reader to be strong. There is no room for wavering, for shying away from my relationship with God or for setting it on the back burner. How will I gain strength to wait for His will if I am not binding myself to Him? It is impossible.

    Truth be told, I have no idea where my life is headed. It could go a thousand different directions. My high school and college plans were  to get a great Bible education, seek God's will for future ministry, and dive in headfirst. If a husband came, then praise God, and if not, praise Him anyway. Now I am happily and gratefully married, but the rest of it is unclear. What does God want? Does He have a specific direction for my life? I know Scripturally that as I live each moment and day to honor Him and share His love with others, I am in His will. However, I would like to think there is more. What that more may be? Right now, His answer is wait.



 I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful

-While I'm Waiting, John Waller

 In closing, I'm aiming to blog more. My writing skills have steadily declined since college, and I'd like to remedy that.
Thanks for reading! :)

Warp speed life

    Warp speed life.
Seems like that's what my husband and I have been living lately. He is used to this. I am not.
God graciously gives me a new day, a new hour, a new moment in which to live for Him, trying to give Him my all. Here are a few pieces of His lessons over the past few months.

     Perseverance: Never, ever, ever give up! -Winston Churchill

Be it marriage, ministry, living in a different environment, trying to make friends, or any other myriad of things, I am learning not to give up.Yes, there are times I retreat to my bedroom to cry, overwhelmed by it all, but God sustains and gives me hope and joy to keep going. God is teaching me to persevere when I see little to no fruit in ministry, when I think or feel that nothing I do makes a difference in others' lives, when I think that I will never learn what He wants me to.
 I Corinthians 15:58- Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.

Gratefulness:
   I can't count how many times my husband has taken me in his arms( when I have been entirely overwhelmed by some situation) and said, "We have such a good life," and gone on to count our  blessings. We truly have so many blessings to praise God for! For example:
A sweet puppy who is growing and learning, full of love
A crazy, wild little kitten who purrs like an engine and loves to cuddle
A little home to call ours
Green grass in our backyard, beets and carrots growing, and flowers blooming
A free couch
A fruit smoothie
My husband's faithful love for me even when he is physically, emotionally and spiritually drained
God allowing Jeremiah to pass his Firefighter I exam
God giving J. a full time, well paying job
God providing for us financially
A $600 pickup for J. and the extremely quick sale of our other car
A car that is very fuel efficient and reliable
Opportunity for me to be a camp counselor for high school girls
Being blessed by high schoolers caring about God and growing in Him
God showing me that He can use me to touch others' lives even when I feel most inadequate
Him giving me desire and ability to interact with and build relationships with high schoolers
God changing my heart towards those who are not easy to love
A family here who truly cares about me and my husband
A lovely fireworks show
Celebrating holidays with friends- who I can truly call FRIENDS! Praise God!
Meeting new friends my age at camp
Books from the library
Slowly getting our home more organized
Health for both Jeremiah and I
Being able to afford fruits, veggies, good meat and cheese, and all we need nutritionally
Many friends having babies and becoming parents
New marriages beginning
Opportunity for me to attend community college and perhaps have a new job
My husband CONTINUALLY believing in me, encouraging and affirming me and speaking God's truth into my life and heart
Sunshine, new ipod, and cool mornings and evenings to run in!
Furniture polish
Peace and acceptance of and about past events in my life
Upcoming trip to Charlotte


 My next post will be more than a list of things I'm grateful for- I promise!
     

His Thoughts

"He who teaches man knowledge- the LORD- knows the thoughts of man, that they rae but a breath." Psalm 94:11

 "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are My ways your ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

      We have all been in a place like this.
       Bogged down with daily life, tasks, chores
       stretching ahead of us endlessly, not enough
       hours in the day to complete everything
       and discovering at the end some minor oversight that could undo us, if we don't look to Him.


       Or perhaps it's the weather. Something so minor and silly, yet it certainly influences my thoughts and feelings if I allow it to. I know at home that the trees and flowers are in brilliant bloom, the air ripe with a thousand flowered scents mingling together in the damp spring humidity, grass depressed under bare feet, breezes blowing, sunshine warming faces and skin.
        Here? The fields are beginning to green. I never thought I would praise God for a little bit of green alfalfa and wheat, a few yellow dandelions and tiny lavender blossoms, a tree by my door just now budding in mid-April, but here I am, rejoicing in those signs of life. The joy of spring this year has been in tiny chicks cheeping  through the day, sleeping all seventeen bunched together under the heat lamp, crowding the water dish to gather droplets in beaks, then lift head back to swallow.It lies in hearing the plaintive mewl of newborn kittens crying for their mother's comforting touch and nourishment; in feeling warmth and breeze, glimpsing sky blue scattered with clouds stretching to the horizon.
        His thoughts are not mine. My thoughts are not of chores, two jobs at once, my husband and I's schedules mish-mashed and always conflicting, feeling that I barely keep up with our few ministries that we are blessed to be in, but His are. The word "thoughts" in the two passages above can mean, in the Greek, intentions, plans, advice, means, purposes, curious work, or imagination. "Higher" holds the meanings  of being exalted, soaring, being lifted up, mounting up, being raised up to great heights, and going upward.
        What of it? His thoughts and mine? How do our finite minds fit the pieces together?  Here are a few of my feeble interpretations and applications, based on Scriptural context and the Greek definitions of the words.
Firstly, my thoughts (intentions, purposes, and plans) are but a breath. I plan only for what I perceive, what my eye takes in, but God plans with all eternity in mind. Therefore, any thoughts, intentions or plans of mine must be weighed before Him and sifted through the wisdom of His Word. My limited mind cannot grasp His intentions as He chooses each circumstance and situation that will color the canvas of my life, His curious work of art. My place is simply to choose joy and contentment and to constantly seek His purposes and thoughts as revealed in His Word.
          Second, His thoughts are higher than mine, literally and figuratively. He has existed in all time, and He is now both in heaven and also everywhere present. He is physically higher than me, and He is also the eternal God. Justice, power and love beyond (above!) my comprehension are His alone, and I humanly will not wrap my mind around just how high He is until I see Him face to face. The joy lies in allowing Him to lift my eyes, spirit and mind upward through His Word.  His grace allows me climb ever upward, even when I think that circumstances are slipping, falling, or running helter-skelter, pell-mell downhill. My limited understanding would never choose the means that He chooses with His total and complete understanding, but the impact His purposes being fulfilled in and through me will far outweigh my hesitations in this fleeting moment.
        My prayer is that you and I will be intentionally focused on His thoughts and purposes, whatever today brings, whatever tomorrow brings, and that we will live fully in this day, reveling in His purposes for us, even in the dirtiest of tasks or the most disheartening duties, recognizing that He is accomplishing something beautiful.

        

Morning

 Today is a morning when I should, could

be scurrying about

sweeping, mopping, vacuuming

and I will.

But for now I sit calm, quiet,

drawing in peace that will be in and with me throughout the day.

His beauty. His gifts. 

A prayer that I will serve Him and those I love

as I wash dishes, fold laundry, clean the house, prepare a lesson for Sunday School.

A prayer for joy, His joy, that is already poured out, overflowing in me, that I can now pour out and give away to others. A prayer of thanks for this true joy and peace that only ever flows from Him and transforms me. A prayer of thanks for

21. Stories of true love and sacrifice typed out by beautiful hearts

22. Warm tears on my face

23. Provision, unending provision, the ability to continue on when by all earthly means the cup should have run dry  long ago

24. Growth in our marriage

25. The incredible gift God has given me of a man tender, wise, strong, who puts serving God first regardless of the cost, who loves (agape) me far more than I ever imagined any human would or could

26. Learning how to work, how to love others there

27.  Seeing a friend grow in love for others

28. Family near and far

29. That my girls at church will and are growing with the growth that is from God (Colossians 2:19)

30. A cat who catches our tiny mouse invaders

31. A puppy who has grown every time I turn around

32. Heat in our home on the coldest days, even more affordable with our new heater

33. A sweet neighbor to cook and share recipes with

34. The daily conundrum of making the perfect pot of coffee, which is yet to be

35. A newfound delight in cooking for others

36. A sister (my only) coming for six days!

I will give thanks to the LORD with my whole heart; I will recount all of Your wonderful deeds. I will be glad and exult in You; I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High.

Psalm 9:1-2