Okay.
My posts have been about things that either are weighing heavily on my heart or are hard for me to accept. I mean, I usually pretend I'm at peace with whatever I'm writing about, but usually I am writing because I am waiting for the peace, acceptance, and wisdom.
Time for a reset and refreshing break from the struggle. A few BIG things have been simply beautiful over the past few weeks.
(1) Photography Class
I've really started enjoying photography over the past few years, and finally enrolled in a class. I'm going to be honest, my teacher has really praised me the past few weeks, and it is a good feeling. I keep in mind in every area I possess skill that there are many people better than me. I look up to a few of my friends as photographers and don't know if I will ever be as good as them, or be professional, but I'm grateful God allows me to see beauty in places that others pass by. I love that He has given me an eye that notices shadows of tiny weeds on the sidewalk, rays of light, shards of glass, and hair blowing in the wind. Sometimes it can be hard to turn off my photographic eye and simply appreciate a moment without wanting to capture it! Anyway, having someone who is a professional praise my work has been very affirming. He hasn't been all praise, and has recommended edits, different viewpoints, etc, but having generally low confidence, the experience so far has been great for me. Why not be confident and grateful for whatever skill I do have, and leave the rest in God's hands? I love that He has allowed me to be good at photography and singing and not math or something boring like that. Haha. :D God knows what He is doing, and I can't wait to see how the semester goes!
(2) English Composition 121
The other class I am taking is an English composition class. My mother did an outstanding job teaching me most everything in grade school and high school, and writing was no exception. I learned what we are going over in class in high school, but the review is excellent. It is great to start thinking like a writer again, viewing each experience or conversation throughout the day as potential writing material, observing others and noticing details, and sharpening the mind to paper process again. Looking back at papers I wrote in high school and college, I was afraid that perhaps I had just taken what original authors had said and rephrased it, which is plagiarism, and that I never was that great of a writer. Good news! The first essay we are working on is a personal essay, in which I am writing about an experience I learned a lesson from. My rough draft was due yesterday, and I am pleased to report that even though I had no original author to paraphrase from, the paper flowed very nicely. I'm going to revise it before the final draft is due on Monday, and am looking forward to the future essays which will be more research and argument oriented. It is so fulfilling to be able to utilize the English language to a greater potential than most people do in daily life. (Side note: I could take a lot more time and effort to write this blog and make it as good as an English paper. Sorry, not happening. I don't have that kind of time right now! :) )
(3) Guidance, Direction, and Peace
I've been a big mess the past several months. I've been upset with God, disappointed, angry, bitter, hurt and depressed. Very few people are aware of this or would ever guess it, but praise be to God for bringing me out of this difficult time. There were many contributing factors which are now being worked on or have been resolved. One which I was very deeply struggling with was my place in life. I understood mentally that God would use me anywhere in any capacity I was working/ministering/etc, but I was frustrated. God blessed me with a capable mind and various talents, and here I am waitressing for a living in the middle of nowhere. I was so angry at God and frankly did not like His plan. He has brought me peace and given me hope that He is using me right here, right now in the lives of others, and that He has me in just the right place.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I am thinking long and hard about pursuing a degree. It won't be easy financially or time wise, but being back in school has been a great experience and I think I MIGHT be up to doing it full time. Right now I am thinking about counseling- maybe majoring in counseling and minoring in nutrition so I could be a counselor and/or nutritionist. I love helping people eat and live healthily! This is something I have wanted to do off and on since I was seventeen. I would love to help others for my profession.
The danger in sharing this with the world is that the world will share its opinions right back to me. Secular psychology is mumbo jumbo, you don't need a degree, bla bla bla. Well, my reply is that I seek to please God with my life and not man. If you don't like it, it is not your life. I will do what is right for myself and my husband (him before me!) as we stand before our Creator. I have not made a decision and will not until I am very sure it is the right thing to do. Also, "secular" counseling helped me out of the greatest hardships of my life, and helped me overcome an addiction I had been battling for over five years, so I think it definitely has its place. I am certainly open to biblical counseling as well but I would want it to be a degree I could use anywhere and actually make a living with. Hope I haven't offended anyone, but the voices of others have become deafening over the past year, and at this point I can ONLY listen to God and those closest to me who I truly trust.
(4) Friendships
This year has been deeply painful for friendships. I have tried to be strong and pretend that rejection has not hurt me, but have realized recently that it has. I don't need to pretend to be strong. Where my strength ends, God's goes on endlessly. He has blessed me with the sweetest and strongest friends here that I could have never dreamed of having a year ago.
In early 2012, Jeremiah and I had a dinner party and one of the guests was a lovely young lady named Nicole. She and I chatted a bit at the party, and ended up meeting for coffee not long after. That was the beginning of a weekly routine that since has rarely been broken . This woman has the biggest smile, softest blue green eyes, and kindest heart. She is beautiful on the outside, but even more stunning on the inside as the fragrant flower that is her heart opens up in bloom. I can't express how much her positivity, love for the Lord and others, and constancy means to me, but it is an incredible gift. Jesus brought her into my life as a balm for the aching, stinging pain where others had hurt me, and she has done much to heal my soul.
Around the same time, a petite red headed girl/woman (she is both) walked over to me at church and asked if I wanted to get coffee sometime. (See a theme here? I live for coffee and girl time!) We had multiple two or three hour long discussions before I figured out she had cancer. Go figure... they never announced it at church-- they just said she was sick. Anyway, she started serious chemotherapy right after we began our friendship. This was her second time dealing with cancer, so she was quite the trooper, but I know that God brought me into her life at the precise time for His purposes. He also used her to remind me that no matter what I was going through, she was always experiencing something worse, and I could pray for her and try to minister to her instead of wallowing in self pity. She is cancer free now, although still having health problems, and I am so grateful for this girl. We really have little in common as far as life paths, except not knowing where our lives will go next, but God has forged a great friendship. Whether we are just enjoying coffee, food or shopping or hashing out the deep and difficult things in our lives, we always benefit from our time together. God is so good to have brought feisty, strong willed, determined Sadie into my life.
This post is reaching epic length, so I will stop for now. I'm attempting to write more and write about small or big positive things! Blessings to all who read.
