God has been illuminating some things in my life, or to put it more bluntly, giving me a kick in the pants about a lot of things.
This year has hands down been the most difficult year of my life spiritually, and most of it has been my fault. (Don't you hate it when you have to admit something is your fault? Sigh.) Despite that, God has extravagantly showered blessings on me, from a new job with twice the hours and three times the pay with coworkers I enjoy spending time with, to friends! finally! so worth the wait!, to taking off in my photography, to blossoming relationships with the teenagers in my life, to a deeper and more meaningful relationship with my husband, to financial, physical and mental provision to start college, to absolutely LOVING and excelling in my classes. Each time I stumble and fall, He picks me up and sets me on the right path again. I have run up against brick walls, banging my head and leaving myself with a headache and scars. I have shook my fist and screamed and cried at God and told Him I didn't like His plan and that I wanted to make my own. I have broken His heart with my irreverance, and yet He still takes me back, every time, and blesses me extravagantly beyond belief or reason when I fully surrender to Him and obey Him.
One thing I have struggled with and certainly broken God's heart with throughout my life is my self-image. At twenty-three years old, I still struggle to see myself as my Creator sees me, and I have so little grace for my shortfallings. He is slowly but surely, with my husband's help, teaching me to see myself as God's precious and beautiful creation who is but a vessel of God's love and grace to the world, and that whatever shortfallings I have, He is stronger and He can use even my weaknesses for His glory in the most unbelievable ways. I am learning to let go of what doesn't matter in the grand scheme of eternity. For example: It's okay to have a dirty floor sometimes, or not be able to keep up with the dog fur that is always.everywhere.on everything. no matter how much I clean! It's okay that I dyed my hair too dark and it's not as pretty as my natural color. (I mean God forbid I not look perfect at all times!) It's okay to not cook a meal every evening, and to have random homecooked meals a few times a week. It's okay that my car is a traveling closet/desk/emergency kit that isn't usually clean.
God is teaching me to relax, slow down and laugh at adversities (well, at least the small ones). Over the past two and a half months, I have had three flat tires within the span of three weeks, a starter that went out, a shock that went out, resulting in a loud kerthunkathunka thudthud rattlerattle everywhere I drove, a friend's car that died while our car was dead and she was out of town!, a toilet tank that cracked down the middle, drains that have clogged about once a month, and a washer with very unique stopping and starting problems. At one time, all of these small problems would have caused a meltdown, but now, by God's grace, I laugh. My father-in-law says often that life is either a comedy or tragedy, depending on how you look at it. This has become my mantra for the ridiculous and inconvenient situations that often arise in life. I have to laugh, and I love that God gives me situations to laugh. I mean, our toilet tank cracked at about midnight, BANG (it was pretty loud),and then we heard a lot of trickling as the water started running out! Also, all of these situations give me an opportunity to praise God for having every expense covered, no debt, and finally, by God's grace alone, a small nest egg in the bank! God is so good!
I hope these ramblings have been of an encouragement to you in whatever is happening in your life. God is good! God is real! God will come through no matter what you are facing right now. I encourage you to seek His face, surrender your will, and don't run into brick walls like I have! They usually don't budge unless God wants them to. :D
Blessings and love,
Abby
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